Beto Significantly Sweatier, More Generic

Presidential hopeful Robert Francis O’Rourke, colloquially known as ‘Beto’, unveiled a new campaign strategy that he hopes will achieve greater sweatiness and vagueness. “I say ‘real Americans’ a lot,” said the drenched O’Rourke. “And anytime somebody brings up a political issue, I just mention my son, Ulysses. Isn’t he cute?” O’Rourke’s campaign personnel cited an […]

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The Darsch Report: Jan. 7 – 13

Tarrant County GOP In Tarrant County on Jan. 10th, county GOP officials overwhelmingly voted against a motion to oust Vice-Chairman Shahid Shafi because he is a Muslim. Precinct chairs voted 139-49 in favor of the trauma surgeon and Southlake City Council member. After the vote, Shafi told members of the press, “As an immigrant to this […]

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The Darsch Report: Dec. 31 – Jan. 6

Editor’s Note: The Darsch Report is a weekly news summary from Nathan Darsch, news editor. It will now begin to focus more on Texas-related news, but will still update on the economy and foreign headlines when appropriate.  Hello and welcome to the first installment of the weekly Darsch Report for The Tower, this article will be providing some of the news for the week of Dec. 31st – Jan. 6th. The US Economy It was a standard week for US stocks this week with multiple gains in the […]

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