Beto Significantly Sweatier, More Generic

Presidential hopeful Robert Francis O’Rourke, colloquially known as ‘Beto’, unveiled a new campaign strategy that he hopes will achieve greater sweatiness and vagueness. “I say ‘real Americans’ a lot,” said the drenched O’Rourke. “And anytime somebody brings up a political issue, I just mention my son, Ulysses. Isn’t he cute?” O’Rourke’s campaign personnel cited an […]

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Professors Hate Own Field of Study

For his literature course “ENGL-1234: The American Novel,” English professor Erik Woodcock intentionally excludes all American novels. “All that Hemingway and Faulkner and Oates–it just gets so boring,” Woodcock said. “Let’s just look at some Chinese calligraphy and spend a few weeks on V for Vendetta and call it a day.” The United States deserves […]

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Indian Man Accused of White Supremacy

Local Trinity student and military history enthusiast Niraj Sengupta came under fire recently for alleged white supremacist sympathies. Sengupta’s interest in World War II military history has led many liberals to believe that he secretly harbors a hatred of all nonwhite races. “He kept talking to me about something called the pickelhelm,” one student told […]

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