Trinity University Proposes New Policies to Help Students be Less White

Last week, the Trinity University Diversity and Inclusion Task Force released a set of proposals for the future of the university. The intent behind the task force’s recommendations is two-factored: to help the faculty of the student body of the university become simultaneously more racially diverse and more ideologically uniform. These recommendations include introducing new material for study, encouraging certain behaviors from students, and criteria for hiring faculty and enrolling students disproportionately based on characteristics such as race, gender, height, vision quality, and ability to roll one’s tongue.

By only accepting students of a specific political or ideological worldview, while indoctrinating students who disagree into the school’s required belief system, the student body would no longer have the need for frivolous and impractical discussions and debates about diverging philosophies, perspectives, and opinions, as all students would have the same opinions about all things. That time and energy can instead be redirected into important conversations wherein the students get the opportunity to compare and contrast their appearances and various identities. Of course, external appearances are everything for a university as prestigious as Trinity. Such universities exist so that outsiders can see how diverse they look, and intellectual diversity and the exchange of different ideas would get in the way of that important goal.

The task force made several suggestions in pursuit of these goals. According to another document of the suggestions, Trinity ought to add a handful of new non-academic majors and minors. Students will be offered the Racial Relations major, where they will be taught to identify harmful white behaviors, such as people existing and being white, and handle these situations. A number of new concentrations under the Political Science department will be added, including Marxist Studies, Intersectional Feminist Protesting and Yelling, and Performance Activism. Finally, the Circus major will teach incoming students to harness and apply their natural clowning skills and silly behavior.

All incoming students taking their First Year Experience (FYE) course will be required to undergo political and philosophical reeducation to secure the ideological uniformity that the task force aims for. Students will be encouraged to be less “white,” as the color of these student’s skin is their ultimate sin, no matter what they do about it. These same students will simultaneously be punished for engaging in non-white cultural practices, as this is considered cultural appropriation. Due to the obvious conflict between these two ideals, the Taskforce believes it is best to keep straight white students in a suspended reality for all four years of their education at Trinity. They cannot be permitted to say or do anything because the way they exist with their natural-born characteristics causes extreme harm to other students. 

The primary mission of Trinity University is to raise the next generation of young adults to appear on its brochures and newsletters, to attract more students to the school who will then go on to be on the brochures themselves. The Diversity and Inclusion Task Force believes that their proposals will be the catalyst that initiates and maintains this idealistic cycle. The hope is that these new policies will be implemented as soon as possible, as the brochures for the next school year need to be printed soon.

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