New Pro-Abortion Club Holds Ritual Sacrifice at Trinity University

Trinity University is home to a new pro-choice club on campus, and they are not afraid to call themselves radical pro-abortionists. Tigers for Abortion (TFA) is kicking off their stint on campus with a rally (socially distanced for COVID-19, of course) to celebrate their cause of freeing pregnant women from their parasitic offspring. 

“We really took our inspiration from the bra-burners,” said the club’s president Maggie Sanger, Class of 2022. “But since we’ve already burned our bras, we’re partnering with our local Planned Parenthood to get the job done.” Ironically, ‘Partnering with Planned Parenthood to get the job done’ is also the club’s unofficial slogan.

The main event of the rally is a ritualistic burning ceremony to appease the pagan pantheon. While the club has no more bras to burn, they have brokered a deal with the nearby Planned Parenthood facility for a proper sacrifice–remains of fetuses aborted at the facility.

“It’s the perfect sacrifice to answer our prayers,” said TFA’s secretary, Lucifer Diocletian, Class of 2024. Diocletian is also a member of a local pagan cult, and he says the sacrifice is the perfect way to pray for an end to COVID-19 and the tyranny of the pro-life club on campus, Tigers for Life (TFL). “TFL has ruled the majority of campus opinions for too long. They’ve been ridiculed on Twitter and mocked behind their backs ever since their founding in 2018–it’s time for others to have a turn in the spotlight of campus discourse.”

Trinity University’s administration was not available for comment, but their commitment to encouraging diverse thoughts and opinions on campus is well-known by students. The officer board of TFA does not think they will run into any trouble with the administration or campus police during their event. 

“We don’t expect much backlash from the event,” said TFA’s vice president Stela Brown, Class of 2023. “Most of the time, TFL only gets backlash on Twitter. No one ever actually talks to them about the reasons they disagree with them, so we expect that people will just make fun of us on Twitter for a few days before moving on to the next campaign. We might even get some hate on TUsnaps.” 

While the officer board of TFA does not seem concerned about the event’s publicity, a few Trinity students not affiliated with the club expressed their concerns. “Lighting a big fire on campus doesn’t seem like a great idea,” said Tara Pyrophilia, Class of 2023. “Don’t get me wrong! I’m all behind the message of the event. But I’m not sure if this is the best way for TFA to make their statement.”

Other than Pyrophilia, no other Trinity students wanted to be named in this article as dissenters from TFA’s ideas or plan. “It’s better not to engage in political discourse on campus because you can’t trust peoples’ opinions these days,” one student said. “I’m just going to ignore it when I walk by, but if the display really is annoying, I might text my friends about it on my way to get some Chick-fil-A.” Students will, an anonymous source assured me, just keep their heads down and ignore political discourse on campus as always. 

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