Author: Richard Newsy
Late last night (so late that it became this morning), the Editor-in-Chief of The Tower called an emergency meeting with the section editors of this fine publication. In a move backed by tradition, a truly conservative decision to keep the past alive, The Tower will no longer be known as The Tower. From this day forward, we shall be known once more as The Wendt.
The Wendt has an illustrious history at Trinity University as a publication entirely unknown by the student body and filled only with articles written while half-drunk at 2 in the morning by its hardworking student writers. The Tower—pardon, The Wendt—looks forward to returning to its humble beginnings to truly set itself apart in the world of student journalism.
The Tower’s Editor-in-Chief has also resigned and named Rebekah Wendt, Class of 2023, as his successor. News Editor Leonard Lizardboy, Class of 2022, said this when asked about the sudden change: “We’re all very excited to have [Wendt] take charge. She’s the best photographer this publication has ever had, and everyone agrees she’s the best Wendt for the job. It’s natural, really, that she continues the dynasty her brothers created.”
I have to agree with Lizardboy. Wendt (not to be confused with her brothers, Wendt and Wendt, both Class of 2018) seems to be not only the most qualified of the freshman writers for The Tower, but she’s also the most charismatic. “People really look up to her,” said Merlot Barnworker, Class of 2021. “Rebekah’s the future of The Tower, and we’re all thrilled that she’ll be leading us from now on.”
Lifestyle Editor Misogyny Carpenter, Class of 2022, had a different, more controversial take. “I wish [Wendt] the best, but I don’t know if she can succeed. There’s a lot of men on the team, and most of them don’t like taking orders from women. But if she can get past their internalized misogyny, she may be able to make [The Wendt] great again.” Misogyny had some other things to say about women’s place in the workforce, but that’s a bit irrelevant to today’s article.
Potato McGuinness, Class of 2021, though, sang nothing but Wendt’s praises. “[Wendt] lets us smoke cigars on the job, and she actually knows how to use a cellphone, which is a big improvement from the last guy. Plus she has an eye for design, so maybe our print edition will have a nice cover with her in charge.” McGuinness’ sentiments were shared by many other writers, many of whom declined being mentioned by name in this article.
When asked about her vision for the future of The Wendt, Wendt was delighted to describe the changes she wants to make. “Only people with history degrees and a solid understanding of the factors leading up to WWII will be allowed to write articles, of course. And no more of this Catholic nonsense that some of the previous editors allowed. From now on, we are a Lutheran dictatorship—I mean, a Conservative publication for San Antonio.”
The Tower plans to officially change its name back to the Wendt no later than 10 pm on April 1, 2020. Stay tuned for more updates about the changes of leadership, but rest assured that the quality of our articles will never decrease and that we will continue to strive to be the right voice for the Alamo City.