New Worship Group Joins Campus

Author: H. Lon Rubbard

If you’re looking to increase your faith through community, I would recommend looking into a variety of spiritual organizations offered at Trinity such as the Catholic Student Group, RUF, and the Secular Student Alliance. I would like to say, as a Scientologist, I am very impressed with the infrastructure of the Secular Student Alliance which holds high their creed to “build welcoming communities to promote secular values, and set a course of lifelong activism”. But one who is more evangelical in nature and wishes to spread their dogma might ask, 

“Is atheist activism really for me?”

 “Oh absolutely,” I respond, and, if you don’t believe me, attend one of their conversion sessions and receive their holy condom communion.  

Now I should say, I’m not particularly religious, I do not have any personal issues with the atheist ideology, my issue runs strictly with the ideas of anti-Christianity and communities built around these concepts. Nonetheless, I digress. 

I have overheard from P.L. Hovecraft and Fody Joster that they wish to draft a book to promote these secular values, outlined in separate books as a part of the whole. 

“Fascinating,” I remark, sipping my scotch and soda in Hovecraft’s study. “Well,” he said, very much enthused, “We shall call it the ‘Abible’, we will make copies and hand them out whenever we get the chance. Much of our atheist army will go door to door spreading the Good Word”. 

In continuation of our conversation, I discovered that in order to foster their community, they will be holding an Atheist Secular Service (ASS) every Wednesday at 7, but seating is limited so feel free to kneel. I have reason to believe that in lieu of COVID-19, their ASS will also be available for viewing over Zoom. Promotion of their ASS will be announced in the Leeroy emails. I do not doubt that the Secular Student Alliance will be tabling nightly for the ASS and helping it grow at Trinity University. Important holidays such as Zombie Jesus Day will be celebrated with a service as they attempt to relieve themselves of the impairment of being part of a religiously affiliated institution. Their ASS is open to all who wish to partake and never runs out of necessary contraceptives to ensure safe habits of the flock. I understand now, more than before, how important their services really are in promoting their values and lifelong activism.

 Now, if you’re not really an ASS man, you do have the opportunity to tithe for the Secular Student Alliance via their website donation page. In addition to providing an easy to access religious group on campus, it also provides financial assistance by way of scholarships for “like-minded” students who share in the beliefs of their fellowship. Altogether, the Secular Student Alliance’s attempts to branch out and promote their values and holidays have been met exceedingly well. In yet another instance, the Secular Student Alliance’s mantra to “bring welcoming communities” into their ASS will be exemplified in the upcoming event Zombie Jesus Day, held on Easter Sunday. 

The Secular Student Alliance is currently looking for individuals to become ASS worshippers for the fall semester. If you have an interest in filling this large opening, please contact me personally by carrier pigeon. 

With Grace and Devotion, 

H. Lon Rubbard

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