For his literature course “ENGL-1234: The American Novel,” English professor Erik Woodcock intentionally excludes all American novels. “All that Hemingway and Faulkner and Oates–it just gets so boring,” Woodcock said. “Let’s just look at some Chinese calligraphy and spend a few weeks on V for Vendetta and call it a day.”
The United States deserves nothing but criticism, American history scholar Danielle Korks claims. “I loathe America,” said Korks, who began her professorial career in American history with her acclaimed book, America Sucks. “Students who plan on studying American history for any reason besides finding new things to scoff at are frankly wasting their time.”
For Korks, the truest form of patriotism is hating America and all that it stands for. “Some right-wing radicals have this idea that patriotism means blindly supporting the country, but I think most real Americans acknowledge that roundly criticizing everything about our nation is a necessary element of patriotism.”
Biblical studies professor Douglas Franklin echoed similar sentiments about his own field. “What, are you kidding me?” Franklin responded when asked if he believed in God. “This is the biggest crock of garbage I ever read,” he said of the Old Testament.
“Amen to that,” said classics professor Albert Rios, a friend of Franklin’s. “And don’t even get me started on the Iliad. It gets pretty dry after a few thousand years, but a handful of these danged kids still want to read it. Can’t we just study comic books, or something cool?”
Gender studies professor Alisha Sterickle had similar feelings on the topic of womanhood. “Gender itself is a myth, and anybody who doesn’t believe that hates women,” Sterickle said. “Show me somebody who believes that womanhood is real and inborn, and I’ll show you a misogynist.”