Satire

Beto Significantly Sweatier, More Generic

Presidential hopeful Robert Francis O’Rourke, colloquially known as ‘Beto’, unveiled a new campaign strategy that he hopes will achieve greater sweatiness and vagueness.

“I say ‘real Americans’ a lot,” said the drenched O’Rourke. “And anytime somebody brings up a political issue, I just mention my son, Ulysses. Isn’t he cute?”

O’Rourke’s campaign personnel cited an experience from a recent town hall as an example for the success of their new strategy. When concerned local citizen Denise Johnson asked a question about taxes, O’Rourke wiped his forehead and started playing the electric guitar. “It’s about time we had an honest presidential candidate,” Johnson said appreciatively.

According to analyst Nathaniel Bronze, O’Rourke’s presidential bid is at least 67% sweatier and 71% more generic than his failed senate run. “We’re seeing the greatest sheer volume of sweat in a presidential candidate since we started taking record in the 1860s,” Bronze said. “It’s astonishing. They’re calling him ‘Sweaty Betty.’ And his genericness is really off the charts.”

The plan is not without its setbacks. According to campaign volunteer Seamus Cavanaugh,, O’Rourke’s sweat has led to certain technological problems. “He kept shorting out the microphones with his moisture, so we had to start waterproofing them,” Cavanaugh said. “At first we tried taping napkins around the handle, but he just soaked right through them. He’s remarkably sweaty–makes me remember why I got into politics.”

Kelly McAwley has a full-time internship placing ‘Wet Floor’ signs for O’Rourke’s campaign. “It was his idea to get the signs that say ‘Piso Mojado.’ He’s so inclusive,” McAwley beamed. “He really hooked me with his plan to make a better America for all Americans, in America. For Americans. I just hadn’t heard that before from another presidential candidate.”

1 comment on “Beto Significantly Sweatier, More Generic

  1. Tyrone Jiminés

    You are maliciously marginalizing people with unalterable physical disabilities. Must be nice to live a sweat-free life you pithy warmongering swine. People dont want Beta for his politics, they want him for his handsomely seductive bod. Have you seen his muscles? The creamy wet carapace of his mouth inviting itself into the cavernous depths of your lacy unmentionables, coating every inch of your privileged porcelain skin with (probably) male essence. Youre a cis white sexually ambiguous male who will never ynderstand how it feels to love a studmuffin like Beta.

    Do you know how it feels to have the world collapsing around you, the floor crumbling beneath your feet while you wallow in abject despair? Beta does, and that is why I and my wife’s 3 husbands of color will vote for Beta.

    Do not fear nothingness, for there lies salvation in oblivion.

    Liked by 1 person

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